bridging generational gaps with beer and grace
getting rewarded for my civic duty: listening to middle aged men
I spent my formative years chronically online, bouncing around a myriad of music-related Facebook groups, which unfortunately set me up to be a girl in my early 20’s listening to sad middle aged man music. This is not a sleight, it is just the truth. The “indie” rock scene of the late 80s to early aughts is the perfect soundtrack to young adulthood, I would have Peter Pan syndrome too if I experienced it in real time. Because of the age difference in my live music peers, I experience the shows of this scene in a unique way: getting questioned and rewarded with free venue-priced beer.
Me and my good friend Catherine had a Built to Spill show on our bucket list for a while, and in May of 2023 this dream came true. Me and Catherine were no strangers to these kinds of shows, we in fact made it a tradition to give the same fake names to the guys who strike up conversation with us. Right after the last opener, we got our first one of the night. The guy next to us, a man who must’ve been in his 40s, asks us:
“Have you guys listened to Built to Spill before?”
The key is to not get immediately defensive, to play the game back.
I replied, “Yes, it’s one of our favorite bands.”
“How did you hear of them? Your parents must’ve listened to them”
After explaining that our parents would scoff at the idea of listening to the soft musings of Doug Martsch, we introduced ourselves by our fake names and fielded a few more rather presumptuous questions, all of an innocent and curious nature. He offered us what we really showed him grace for: two $8 miller high lifes. When he handed off our beers, he left us with “You guys would really like my son. He’s a skateboarder and real moldable. You could make him into anything you want.” Whether this dude had creepy intentions or not, he gave us our beers and fucked off, that’s all that mattered in the end.
Of course this interaction made me mildly uncomfortable. How, in current times, can men still find it unfathomable that young femmes can be passionate about rock bands that have been around for decades? This mentality often manifests in predatory and aggressively dismissive behaviors from male showgoers, something I and many of the femmes I know have stories to tell about. However, what saved this specific specimen is the fact that he came from a place of respect and genuine (despite being ignorant) curiosity. I am happy to provide my civic duty of calling them in, as long as I am rewarded. Preferably with beer or hand rolled cigarettes.